Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dark Places

Dark places... I'm in that place again and I can't stand it. Sometimes I just don't know what to do, it feels like I have no where to turn, no one to talk to... no one that truly understands what I am going through. It's hard to explain exactly how I feel, I guess that is one reason that its hard for me to open up. I don't trust that people will look at me the same, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want someone to help me get through this... I guess right now all I am looking for is some encouragement... HELP!

Sunday, May 16, 2010


It's been a while... I had to deal with the loss of a loved one may he RIP. I wanted to just speak freely because I am feeling a little down.

Being this way is such a lonely feeling, there are times (like now for me) when it is hard to find someone who understands what you are going through. Without going into detail I'm really lost right now. I know that I have people that I can go to but in my mind worrying others about my problems seem burdensome. So what do I do????

I want to open up but to who? And where do I start? I'm so confused I hate this. I was trying to speak to someone earlier about what I go through and they looked at me like I was crazy. All they kept saying was "I don't understand, how did you get like this?" Shit I don't. know... you tell me! No really, but i explained some things in my past that occurred along with the known fact that mental illnesses are genetic. They said " genetic??? I just seen your dad and it doesn't look like anything is wrong with him." What an ignorant thing to say to someone who is obviously hurting...

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Know Your Cycles

I have questioned my Doctor over and over again... when is this going to end??? It felt like my dark days would never come to an end. I was tired of what seemed like endless suffering... sleepless nights, sleeping my days away, not being able to function in social settings. All he had to say to me was to be patient.

Although you might ne diagnosed with depression it actually comes and goes in cycles. Some people get depressed due to the weather, when it cold and gloomy and then when spring/summer roles around they are fine. There is really nothing that you can do to change this but you can pay attention to your cycle and the symptoms that you experience when falling into a depression. Paying attention may help you cope better and maybe this time around things will not be as bad...

Last year I failed to pay attention to my body and mind. I suffered a nervous breakdown because of this. I had become extremely irritable, sad, tired, and I slept a lot. I also lost my appetite and lost a lot of weight which was really unhealthy for my body. I was overworked, attending school and taking care of home completely stressing my mind and body. I can remember suffering very bad panic attacks both at work and at home. On one occasion it got so bad that I had to go to the hospital. My hands and legs became numb, my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I was afraid that I was having a stroke. Let's not forget the uncontrollable crying... all of this may have been avoided if I would have listened to my body instead of ignoring what I was feeling. What I am trying to illustrate is the importance of paying attention to your body and knowing your cycles and triggers for that matter. Until this day I still suffer but mow I have a better chance of avoiding a similar situation...

Take care of yourself for those who are suffering. For those who knows of someone who is suffering its a good idea for you to pay close attention to that person, you might notice things that they are in denial about and save them from a bad experience.

Friday, April 23, 2010

My Reality

First I want to start by saying thanks for all of the support I am receiving, it helps in a big way. I also to express my gratitude for those who are willing to share their personal experiences, that takes a lot of heart and it is a very brave act. In this entry I want to share my last suicide attempt. Why you ask??? Because I believe that this experience gave me a different outlook on life and made me the woman I am today.

It was a night in September 2009, I was home alone... feeling sorry for myself. I kept trying to re-evaluate my life. At the time I felt like a complete failure, I used to see myself going far and succeeding in both my career and school. The truth is that I was too sick to do either. I couldnt concentrate in school, my grades were falling, hell anybody that knows me know that I am an 'A' student, so the grades that I was receiving were unacceptable... to me. That was another thing that contributed to my depression. I had been out of work (due to my illness)for months, I felt worthless.

In my mind the right thing to do was to end it all. I figured that my son would well taken care of by my parents, and my mate could eventually find love again. I felt so alone, I was so afraid! I decided to take my prescribed meds, I cant remember how many I took then I laid in my bed and waited for my death. I closed my eyes wondering... how long is this going to take? My heart began to race, I wrote my suicide note in a place for someone to find it and I prayed for my family and friends strength. In my talks with God I realized GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Luckily I was able to drive myself to the hospital. What an experience... Since I made to the hospital in enough time they didnt have to pump my stomach but I had to drink charcoal. UGH!!! after being on suicide watch for 24 hours I was then transfered to the psychiatric ward where I stayed for a week. I hated that my baby had to visit me in such a place. That was my WAKE UP CALL!!! When I got home all of my medsd were taken from me and had to be administered by someone, to this day I still have no control over my meds for fear that I would repeat my actions.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there was a reason for my epiphany, it wasnt my time to go, not that way anyway. Im not trying to push religion on anyone but prayer works! God gave me the strength to get up out of that bed and drive myself to the hospital, he saved my life, AND YOU CAN SAVE YOURS! I wouldnt wish this experience on my worst enemy and I definitely wouldnt want to put my family through that ordeal again. They have become even more of a support system for me. Allow your family and friends to be that suport system for you. I am hoping that this blog becomes a support system for those who need it... When you feel that you have nothing more to live for LIVE FOR YOURSELF!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Damn! Why me???

We all have wondered why something has happened to us, wondering what we did to deserve this disease. It took me a long time to realize that it was no fault of mine. My personal thought was that God was punishing me for something I did, but I could never figure out what that was. My thoughts were not true, its depression that causes us to have this negative thoughts and puts us in these dark and lonely places.

I've had it hard, on top of being sad and lonely I was a victim of rape when I was a young teen. I got myself into a situation with someone that I thought I could trust. As a result of this incident I became pregnant. WHY ME???? I was a rape victim, something that is very hard for me to deal with to this day and I was pregnant. I WAS ONLY 15!!! I was distraught! I didnt know what to do or where to turn, needless to say after my parents found out my pregnancy was terminated. That whole process nearly killed me mentally. I still suffer from that whole incident. What happened next you might ask... well I won't lie, I'm still not over it and it had a bad effect on me to this day it is hard for me to trust, but how long can I live like that??? This contributed more to my underlying depression...

As an adult dealing with this illness is no easier. I still dwell on the past (something that I should not do) and it only makes things worse. RIGHT NOW I AM RECLAIMING MY LIFE! I don't want to live in the past anymore, I have people that love me for who I am... faults and all. YOU CAN RECLAIM YOUR LIFE TOO! The road to recovery is a long and hard one, but it is worth the fight I can guarantee you that.

Monday, April 19, 2010


I have so many thoughts running through my mind I will try to make them gel. In case you haven't read my first blog, I have been living with depression for the past 17 I never looked at it like that before. These 17 years has not only been a struggle for me but also for those around me. I know that it has been hard for my family and friends to deal with me when i wasnt being completely honest with them or myself.

When I was a teen my parents took me to speak with a professional, but thay didnt work out too well, I wasn't willing to open up. So you may ask HOW DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE DEPRESSED??? I was always unhappy with myself and things going on around me, I began to live my life in such a way that no child should. At such a young age I wasn't sure why I felt such a way.

I believe I was about 14 or 15 when I first attempted to commit suicide, this too I kept a secret from everyone. I remember that night like it was yesterday and at first I was ashamed to speak of that night, but now i hope that my experiences help someone else out. I needed help bad! From that day forward I kind of became obsessed with my death, thinking of different plans but never thinking about those around me... I know now that suicide is a selfish thought and act. THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

My advice to those who are suffering is to make the first step in realizing that this illness is not your fault. No you didn't do anything to deserve it... in fact its GENETICS! CHOOSE LIFE!!! Things will get better with the help of having people around you that are supportive and that value your life as much as you can learn to do again.

Sunday, April 18, 2010


I intend for this particular blog to be a platform for people living with depression and other mental illnesses to openly express themselves, my goal is to make it therapeutic. This first blog will mainly illustrate my dealings with depression, I hope that others will find it helpful... here I go.

I have been living with depression since I was about 12 years old (that's as far back as I remember) I am now 29 and for the majority of this time I kept my illness a secret from my friends and family. For as long as I remember I have been very unhappy, don't get me wrong I was able to pretend that everything that everything was ok. Putting on a show like that is very tiring.

There are a lot of stereotypes when it comes to people suffering from mental illnesses... WE ARE HUMAN TOO! We are not crazy or pretending that something is wrong with us, mental illnesses are very serious and can be fatal. We want help before it gets that far!

I have faced the thought of committing suicide on more than one occasion, my attempts have failed, there was a time when I was so down I thought that I was a failure for not even getting that right! Fact is I am not a failure, neither are you we have purpose on this earth. We need to find a way to deal with this darkness and overcome our fears.

This past year has been my darkest, I have found myself ready to give up... I couldn't take the everyday stresses of life, of being a good employee, student, mother, sister, daughter friend, etc. I couldn't take it anymore and I broke down mentally and physically...BUT I MADE IT THROUGH!!! I made it through my darkest hours and I am now on the road to recovery... JOIN ME!