Wednesday, October 2, 2013
I am starting to wonder what I have to look forward to. Bipolar II and anxiety disorder is my official diagnosis. When someone has bipolar disorder they usually cycle between mania, depression and then they have a period of normalcy. It seems like my period of normalcy doesn't last long at all, maybe a few weeks. I have periods of what they call hypomania when I'm extremely irritable and horrible at decision making. I hate that cycle almost as much as I hate the depression period. My bouts with depression lasts longer than any other cycle. I'm starting to wonder if this is what the rest of my life would be like. I had so many dreams of becoming a success in the career of my choice but now those dreams are very distant. I am proud of myself for taking up a trade and being able to work these past 7 months but as my depression worsens and trying to make it to all of my therapy and doctor appointments things are becoming overwhelming. All I can think about is sleeping until this part is over with. I don't like to be sad and anxious everyday. It's a struggle to leave my house. It's an even bigger struggle to be in public wearing this mask like all is well in my world. I know that everyone is dealing with something but I would rather deal with things as a "normal" person would. I would like to be able to have better control of my emotions. I would like for my mind to stop racing constantly. I would like to get a decent nights sleep and wake up refreshed ready to take on the challenges of the day but that isn't happening for me. When I think about it now. I've always had this problem, I just didn't know what to call it or what the contributing factors were. I have ruined relationships because I didn't know how to explain what I was going through. I didn't let people get too close and I was sure not to allow myself to get to attached to people. This writing is not for sympathy but hopefully someone can help and point me in the right direction. I just needed to get this off my chest because I'm finding it hard to go to my family again. I don't want to be a burden and I don't want them to feel sad.