First I want to start by saying thanks for all of the support I am receiving, it helps in a big way. I also to express my gratitude for those who are willing to share their personal experiences, that takes a lot of heart and it is a very brave act. In this entry I want to share my last suicide attempt. Why you ask??? Because I believe that this experience gave me a different outlook on life and made me the woman I am today.
It was a night in September 2009, I was home alone... feeling sorry for myself. I kept trying to re-evaluate my life. At the time I felt like a complete failure, I used to see myself going far and succeeding in both my career and school. The truth is that I was too sick to do either. I couldnt concentrate in school, my grades were falling, hell anybody that knows me know that I am an 'A' student, so the grades that I was receiving were unacceptable... to me. That was another thing that contributed to my depression. I had been out of work (due to my illness)for months, I felt worthless.
In my mind the right thing to do was to end it all. I figured that my son would well taken care of by my parents, and my mate could eventually find love again. I felt so alone, I was so afraid! I decided to take my prescribed meds, I cant remember how many I took then I laid in my bed and waited for my death. I closed my eyes wondering... how long is this going to take? My heart began to race, I wrote my suicide note in a place for someone to find it and I prayed for my family and friends strength. In my talks with God I realized GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Luckily I was able to drive myself to the hospital. What an experience... Since I made to the hospital in enough time they didnt have to pump my stomach but I had to drink charcoal. UGH!!! after being on suicide watch for 24 hours I was then transfered to the psychiatric ward where I stayed for a week. I hated that my baby had to visit me in such a place. That was my WAKE UP CALL!!! When I got home all of my medsd were taken from me and had to be administered by someone, to this day I still have no control over my meds for fear that I would repeat my actions.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there was a reason for my epiphany, it wasnt my time to go, not that way anyway. Im not trying to push religion on anyone but prayer works! God gave me the strength to get up out of that bed and drive myself to the hospital, he saved my life, AND YOU CAN SAVE YOURS! I wouldnt wish this experience on my worst enemy and I definitely wouldnt want to put my family through that ordeal again. They have become even more of a support system for me. Allow your family and friends to be that suport system for you. I am hoping that this blog becomes a support system for those who need it... When you feel that you have nothing more to live for LIVE FOR YOURSELF!