IS THIS MY LIFE...

I am starting to wonder what I have to look forward to. Bipolar II and anxiety disorder is my official diagnosis. When someone has bipolar disorder they usually cycle between mania, depression and then they have a period of normalcy. It seems like my period of normalcy doesn't last long at all, maybe a few weeks. I have periods of what they call hypomania when I'm extremely irritable and horrible at decision making. I hate that cycle almost as much as I hate the depression period. My bouts with depression lasts longer than any other cycle. I'm starting to wonder if this is what the rest of my life would be like. I had so many dreams of becoming a success in the career of my choice but now those dreams are very distant. I am proud of myself for taking up a trade and being able to work these past 7 months but as my depression worsens and trying to make it to all of my therapy and doctor appointments things are becoming overwhelming. All I can think about is sleeping until this part is over with. I don't like to be sad and anxious everyday. It's a struggle to leave my house. It's an even bigger struggle to be in public wearing this mask like all is well in my world. I know that everyone is dealing with something but I would rather deal with things as a "normal" person would. I would like to be able to have better control of my emotions. I would like for my mind to stop racing constantly. I would like to get a decent nights sleep and wake up refreshed ready to take on the challenges of the day but that isn't happening for me. When I think about it now. I've always had this problem, I just didn't know what to call it or what the contributing factors were. I have ruined relationships because I didn't know how to explain what I was going through. I didn't let people get too close and I was sure not to allow myself to get to attached to people. This writing is not for sympathy but hopefully someone can help and point me in the right direction. I just needed to get this off my chest because I'm finding it hard to go to my family again. I don't want to be a burden and I don't want them to feel sad.

Getting Help

Why is getting help so hard? It's hard to find a Doctor that is really willing to do what is best for you because they are in cahoots with insurance and pharmaceutical companies. I have yet to find a Doctor that was willing to treat me without incorporating drugs. I do not wish to take drugs, I feel as though the side effects are worse than the benefits. Once I mention this, I am practically either being refused services or forced to take the prescription. So what is a person to do???

Not only that, being underinsured is another issue. Not that I would want the horrible services provided by the state, I couldn't even get that because I have insurance. Insurance that doesn't cover all of my needs. So now what??

I am so frustrated by the way things are.

Fighting the Good Fight

I was just reading my old posts and although I am pleased at the progress that I have made there is still a lot of work that needs to be done. It has been 2 years since my last post. I have since mustered up the strength to leave my home to attend school. I chose a short program to kind of ease my way back into the world. Being outside of the house was now a different experience. It was frightening, but I did it! I attended Beauty School and even finished. What an accomplishment! I can't pretend that it was easy though. There was a period that I had to take a leave of absence just to pace myself.

I no longer think that I am being punished by God. This is just something that I have to learn to deal with. I want so badly to get back to the person I used to be. I used to enjoy the company of my friends and family, but now all of that has changed. I am able to get out a little more now, but once I'm out all I can think about is getting back to where I feel safe... Home. At home no one was looking at me differently, I did not have to pretend to happy or interested in what was going on. Now I want to break out of that shell. I don't want my mind to be consumed of paranoia. So what if people look at me differently, that just shows who is truly there for you.

Patience is the key. One day I will be able to do as I please without feeling sorry for myself. My day is coming..

Dark Places

Dark places... I'm in that place again and I can't stand it. Sometimes I just don't know what to do, it feels like I have no where to turn, no one to talk to... no one that truly understands what I am going through. It's hard to explain exactly how I feel, I guess that is one reason that its hard for me to open up. I don't trust that people will look at me the same, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want someone to help me get through this... I guess right now all I am looking for is some encouragement... HELP!

Hopeless

It's been a while... I had to deal with the loss of a loved one may he RIP. I wanted to just speak freely because I am feeling a little down.

Being this way is such a lonely feeling, there are times (like now for me) when it is hard to find someone who understands what you are going through. Without going into detail I'm really lost right now. I know that I have people that I can go to but in my mind worrying others about my problems seem burdensome. So what do I do????

I want to open up but to who? And where do I start? I'm so confused I hate this. I was trying to speak to someone earlier about what I go through and they looked at me like I was crazy. All they kept saying was "I don't understand, how did you get like this?" Shit I don't. know... you tell me! No really, but i explained some things in my past that occurred along with the known fact that mental illnesses are genetic. They said " genetic??? I just seen your dad and it doesn't look like anything is wrong with him." What an ignorant thing to say to someone who is obviously hurting...

Know Your Cycles

I have questioned my Doctor over and over again... when is this going to end??? It felt like my dark days would never come to an end. I was tired of what seemed like endless suffering... sleepless nights, sleeping my days away, not being able to function in social settings. All he had to say to me was to be patient.

Although you might ne diagnosed with depression it actually comes and goes in cycles. Some people get depressed due to the weather, when it cold and gloomy and then when spring/summer roles around they are fine. There is really nothing that you can do to change this but you can pay attention to your cycle and the symptoms that you experience when falling into a depression. Paying attention may help you cope better and maybe this time around things will not be as bad...

Last year I failed to pay attention to my body and mind. I suffered a nervous breakdown because of this. I had become extremely irritable, sad, tired, and I slept a lot. I also lost my appetite and lost a lot of weight which was really unhealthy for my body. I was overworked, attending school and taking care of home completely stressing my mind and body. I can remember suffering very bad panic attacks both at work and at home. On one occasion it got so bad that I had to go to the hospital. My hands and legs became numb, my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I was afraid that I was having a stroke. Let's not forget the uncontrollable crying... all of this may have been avoided if I would have listened to my body instead of ignoring what I was feeling. What I am trying to illustrate is the importance of paying attention to your body and knowing your cycles and triggers for that matter. Until this day I still suffer but mow I have a better chance of avoiding a similar situation...

Take care of yourself for those who are suffering. For those who knows of someone who is suffering its a good idea for you to pay close attention to that person, you might notice things that they are in denial about and save them from a bad experience.

My Reality

First I want to start by saying thanks for all of the support I am receiving, it helps in a big way. I also to express my gratitude for those who are willing to share their personal experiences, that takes a lot of heart and it is a very brave act. In this entry I want to share my last suicide attempt. Why you ask??? Because I believe that this experience gave me a different outlook on life and made me the woman I am today.

It was a night in September 2009, I was home alone... feeling sorry for myself. I kept trying to re-evaluate my life. At the time I felt like a complete failure, I used to see myself going far and succeeding in both my career and school. The truth is that I was too sick to do either. I couldnt concentrate in school, my grades were falling, hell anybody that knows me know that I am an 'A' student, so the grades that I was receiving were unacceptable... to me. That was another thing that contributed to my depression. I had been out of work (due to my illness)for months, I felt worthless.

In my mind the right thing to do was to end it all. I figured that my son would well taken care of by my parents, and my mate could eventually find love again. I felt so alone, I was so afraid! I decided to take my prescribed meds, I cant remember how many I took then I laid in my bed and waited for my death. I closed my eyes wondering... how long is this going to take? My heart began to race, I wrote my suicide note in a place for someone to find it and I prayed for my family and friends strength. In my talks with God I realized GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Luckily I was able to drive myself to the hospital. What an experience... Since I made to the hospital in enough time they didnt have to pump my stomach but I had to drink charcoal. UGH!!! after being on suicide watch for 24 hours I was then transfered to the psychiatric ward where I stayed for a week. I hated that my baby had to visit me in such a place. That was my WAKE UP CALL!!! When I got home all of my medsd were taken from me and had to be administered by someone, to this day I still have no control over my meds for fear that I would repeat my actions.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there was a reason for my epiphany, it wasnt my time to go, not that way anyway. Im not trying to push religion on anyone but prayer works! God gave me the strength to get up out of that bed and drive myself to the hospital, he saved my life, AND YOU CAN SAVE YOURS! I wouldnt wish this experience on my worst enemy and I definitely wouldnt want to put my family through that ordeal again. They have become even more of a support system for me. Allow your family and friends to be that suport system for you. I am hoping that this blog becomes a support system for those who need it... When you feel that you have nothing more to live for LIVE FOR YOURSELF!